“You should run your life not by the calendar but how you feel, and what you’re interests are and ambitions.”
John Glenn
After years of saying “I’m so busy,” I have hit a point in my life where I am not busy at all. As a matter of fact, one of the biggest surprises I have encountered as an empty-nester is seeing a wall full of empty spaces on our wall calendar.
When we built our house eleven years ago, our family schedule was beyond hectic. I found this enormous wall calendar in the Pottery Barn catalog and purchased it immediately before it sold out. Measuring five feet square, this calendar had plenty of space for everyone’s activities and appointments. Over the years, I used colored-coding to keep track of each family member’s schedule. As you can see in the photo, it was well used, stained by years of Expo markers. I can’t count the number of moms who have seen my big calendar, wanted it and were broken-hearted that it is no longer available. As I think back, the big calendar was a testament to a life well lived.
Shortly after my son left for college, I climbed up on my step stool and set out to update the calendar. And it hit me: I don’t have a lot going on. Sure I have a dentist appointment here and a haircut there, but the calendar no longer reflects a wonderful over-scheduled family life. I was stunned that it brought tears to my eyes when I realized that I am no longer “crazy busy.” After years of focusing my time on the rest of the family, I am now in a position to prioritize me and fill the big calendar with things Mike and I want to do.
Without scheduled items on the calendar, I can see how easy it would be to become complacent (read: couch-potato lazy). So, I am beginning now to plan fall activities to ensure that I won’t have a completely empty calendar. I’m looking at classes to take (hello, adult education) and special events to attend. I’m exploring ways of vacationing in my own backyard. We live a mere 40 minutes from New York City, but while the kids were in high school I rarely drove into the City because there was always someplace I needed to be for them after school. Now, I am the only one who dictates my schedule.
Last September, when my nest was empty for the first time, I made the mistake of packing my days full of places to go and people to see. I wanted to be “crazy busy” again. Over the last several months, however, I’ve tempered my level of activity. There is a happy medium between insanely busy and flat-out lazy. Now, before I register for a class or make plans to take a trip, I ask myself, “Is this something I really want to do? Is it worth the commitment of my time, energy and resources?” I’m also accepting that unplanned time is also important. I need time for unexpected opportunities and time to recharge my battery. I need breathing room on the calendar.
While I want to have a full life, I don’t want to waste time on meaningless things. I am being very thoughtful about how I fill my days. (Do I really want to take Italian lessons?) I’m not just looking for activity but I am also looking for community. I am making a conscience effort to seek out opportunities to meet new people. I met some very nice people in my Italian class, and they may have turned into friends if I had attended more than three classes. I signed up for a ten week course without considering that my travel schedule only allowed me to attend a few classes. As I am planning now, I am looking at my life in four month blocks of time–three semesters if you will. For someone whose life was dedicated by the school calendar for two decades, viewing my schedule this way makes sense to me and feels familiar. I am making every effort to only make commitments I can and want to keep.
Recently, I realized that I’m not the only empty-nester with an empty calendar. Most of my friends are on the same situation. Over the years, it had become easy to make time for each other at school events, tagging on lunch and dinner before or after. I rarely had to make plans in advance. My friends and I saw each frequently and made plans on the fly. Now, we need to be more intentional about seeing each other. I went through a while last fall where I was lonely and sad, envisioning everyone hanging out and having fun without me. The truth was many of us felt this way. I hosted a girls night dinner at my house, and everyone was excited to be there and they were equally excited that someone took the initiative to make a plan. Around the dinner table, we shared our feelings of melancholy–not really sad just a little empty. We missed our busy lives. It was comforting to see that it wasn’t just me feeling this way and that it is easily addressed. Pro tip: Don’t wait for other people to make plans–be the planner.
In my pursuit of fullness in my empty-nest life, I need to also be aware that someone else’s interests may not be mine. If a friend wants me to do something that really doesn’t interest me, it is reasonable for me to just say, “No thanks, but how about we get together for coffee next week?” It doesn’t make sense for me to fill my days with other people’s interests. It’s okay to say no, but always look for an alternative activity that you can do together.
With our college kids home for the summer, most of my friends and I are enjoying the busy-ness of a full house, but I am reminded that September will soon be here and with it an empty calendar again. So, right now, while I think about it, I will make plans with family and friends. I will invite couples to join Mike and me for dinner and maybe a weekend getaway. I will find a class to take and a place to volunteer. I will make a commitment to make the most of every single day on my calendar. I will be quick to say, “Let’s get a date on the calendar!”
How are you filling your empty (nest) calendar? Please share your thoughts.